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Mike
Posts:89
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| 05/03/2009 11:16 PM |
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I was curious as to what kind of behavior a gentleman might have. There are things such as opening doors , helping carry things, and listening (without trying to fix the problem immediately), but are there any other kinds of things that one might be able to do? For instance, opening doors to cars and not just buildings.
I guess this is assuming that somebody has the attitude of a gentleman already, because without that the actions are just chores to try and impress people.
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emilyjanelle
Posts:510
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| 05/04/2009 8:39 AM |
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I guess this is assuming that somebody has the attitude of a gentleman already, because without that the actions are just chores to try and impress people.
couldn't have said it better myself! I think if you're a real gentleman, "gentlemanly acts" are just gonna come as second nature. you're going to know to do stuff for other people (especially those of the opposite sex) without even thinking about it. like, for an example, obeying my parents is just...what I do. I don't question it. I know to keep my room clean. I know to do the dishes on a daily basis. I just do it, and really don't even think about it anymore. y'know what I mean?
but to answer your question directly, yes, opening car doors is a very gentlemanly thing. my dad still does it for my mom every single time they get into a car and they've been married for almost 19 years. like I said, it's just second nature to him. as long as you have the attitude of a gentleman, I believe the acts of one will come out in your life. :] |
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You may as well come quiet.
- Police Maxim |
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Adelynn
Posts:189
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| 05/04/2009 8:44 AM |
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| What you and Emily said- mostly it's about respecting other people, sometimes whether they deserve it or not |
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"... I will pour out my Spirit upon all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy..." Acts 2.17
What If His People Prayed? |
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Locke
Posts:223
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| 05/04/2009 8:05 PM |
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I think a good rule of thumb when you're trying to be gentlemanly is, "How can I brighten this person's day?" For example, today during French class we were going to watch part of Paris, je t'aime. I sit in the front row, and I'm rather tall, so the girl behind me always has trouble seeing over my head.
Instead of making her move, I simply moved my desk a couple feet to the left so she would have no trouble. Easy for me, and kind for her. It isn't hard, doesn't take much thought, but it's something I can do for someone else. |
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It is trifles that make the sum of life. |
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maddiegirl
Posts:210
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| 05/07/2009 4:54 PM |
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i totally agree w/ emilyjanelle
id say that something i think is really gentlemanly and polite and all that is when my bf says hi to and takes the time to talk to adults and older people in the church congregation. he doesnt just act interested or blow them off, he really listens to them and treats them with respect. he shakes hands w/ the guys and hugs the ladies. and b/c of that a lot of older people like him a lot. (= lol which i think is cute and really great |
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Ophoe
Posts:25
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| 05/07/2009 11:12 PM |
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| I would say that anything considerate of another person is gentlemanly. To put another's interest ahead of your own...to simply care about them as a person. Of course, you probably mean in relation to girls...but either way it's important. I think pretty close to this is simply developing a habit of loving people: making them feel good about themselves, etc. To be Christlike is what we look for as Christians, so in reality we should all seek this behavior. I mean, I'm a girl and I will open doors for people, etc--just because it's courteous and acknowledges them as a person. |
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emilyjanelle
Posts:510
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| 05/08/2009 9:29 AM |
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I'm a girl and I will open doors for people, etc--just because it's courteous and acknowledges them as a person.
mhm! I do, too! and then I hope that the guys around me catch on and are like, "ooh, maybe I'm the one who shoulda done that..." haha. :p |
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You may as well come quiet.
- Police Maxim |
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Cayla Renae
Posts:58
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| 05/08/2009 12:00 PM |
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Ha ha yes! I open the door for people too, and it's so awesome when they look so surprised because of it. It's also sad, in a way... that they're surprised when some people in this world try to be courteous.
A gentleman is definitely selfless, like people have been saying. It starts in the heart attitude, I believe  But that goes for ladies, too... we're ALL supposed to be selfless disciples of Christ, and that attitude definitely starts in the heart for EVERYONE |
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~created by the King to do good things~ |
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Mike
Posts:89
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| 05/10/2009 4:24 PM |
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I agree, Emilyjanelle, that actions should come naturally to a gentleman, but since I'm a fallen human, there's no way I could be even close to a perfect gentleman (though it's something to shoot for), and I'll miss things I could have done. To say it another way, I understand that external actions should be extensions of internal attitudes, but I won't be able to come up with every external action on my own, even if I have the right internal attitude.
Ophoe, I didn't mean being gentlemanly just in relation to girls -- after
all, if I was only trying to be a gentleman to attract girls I wouldn't be a bona-fide gentleman, I'd be a partial gentleman with the wrong motivation (and where's the integrity in that?).
Thanks for all the responses, I liked how they all tended to be different perspectives or descriptions of the same basic thing -- to put others ahead of oneself, to show Christ-like love, to be selfless, and such. I guess that's how one could describe the core of a true gentleman.
I also thought what maddiegirl said about holding a mature conversation with adults is important too -- that's an example of a not-so obvious behavior that I would attribute to a gentleman.
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Nicole
Posts:552
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| 05/12/2009 3:35 PM |
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I have to say that you guys pretty much covered it. Cayla Renae, Ophoe, and EmilyJanelle, I like to open doors for other people too. I find it to be courteous and it seems rude to let the door go in someone's face after you've walked out- that's just me though. But anyway, to put it generally, I consider gentleman behavior to be whatever a guy can do to make a girl feel special, including just going out of your way to be kind, even just picking up a pencil she dropped on her way to class- small things like that count in my book.  |
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whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect -Mark Twain |
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David
Posts:499
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| 05/12/2009 4:03 PM |
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Hm...
I have a question for all the girls here about gentlemanly behavior. Here I am addressing specifically the actions guys do in regards to girls, not the overall selfless, courteous actions that all should do. I know a lot of girls who expect guys to act in "gentlemanly" ways towards them - e.g., opening doors, carrying things, etc. I sort of have a problem with this expectation. It occurred to me one day that there is another class of people that are expected to open doors and carry heavy things and the like - servants / slaves. My problem here is not with girls wanting to be respected or made to feel special, or with guys wanting to do special things for their ladies, it's with the expectation that we have to do these things or something is wrong. That places these actions as the norm, and the norm is not special. What I would propose is that girls don't expect these specific actions from guys (though certainly do expect to be respected), but that guys should still do these actions. That way, they never become expected, and always remain special.
Here's another thing I'd like to get some feminine thoughts on. It seems to me that guys can't be too romantic (or at least romantic in the same ways) too much, lest the actions cease to be romantic and instead become normal and expected. For instance, if a guy gives you a rose out of the blue on Thursday, you would probably be very happy and feel special (as he hoped you would). Next Thursday comes and he doesn't give you a rose, but you don't even notice because you don't expect him to. But let's say he gives you a rose ever Thursday for months, and then one Thursday doesn't. In that scenario, you are more likely to feel disappointed because the giving of the rose has become the norm.
I don't know. Maybe I'm crazy. It just always sort of irks me when a girl expects me to do certain actions that, to me, are supposed to be special. I feel like if she expects them, when I do them I will be merely fulfilling a quota to her, maintaining the status quo, instead of trying to show her how much I care about her.
Also, do you girls do romantic things for your boyfriends? Maybe not buying him roses or jewelry, but finding the little things that make him feel special and doing those things. What about days like Valentine's? I knew a girl once who had a boyfriend. Valentine's Day came around and her mom asked her what she was going to do for her boyfriend. She said, "Nothing. Valentine's Day is for girls." |
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Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither.
- C.S. Lewis |
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Adelynn
Posts:189
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| 05/12/2009 5:31 PM |
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I love when people are so surprised and thankful when I open the door for them, and yes, I'm a girl. It also makes me feel special (in a good way) when someone opens the door for me! David, you're right, it shouldn't be expected (though I don't think that it is... I usually get the door slammed in my face when I'm walking behind people, so I've learned to step back). We are called to be servants, in a way. Not walked all over or disrespected (though that does happen), but to serve in love, as Galatians 5.13 says (I don't know if you care about Bible verses...).
I'd suggest not giving a girl a rose on the same day every week, then =P I understand that it shouldn't be something that is expected, but... Maybe it's like Pizza night being randomly called off because someone didn't want it anymore, and no one told you. It's still something you're expecting .
I've never exactly thought about it, but I'm a gift person so yes I would probably buy/create surprises for a bf. I think of gifts as anything I'm given, though, and that includes time spent together, letters, pictures, presents... but I kind of hate Valentines Day, it's become something stupid. |
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"... I will pour out my Spirit upon all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy..." Acts 2.17
What If His People Prayed? |
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Koudee
Posts:91
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| 05/12/2009 8:00 PM |
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Don't do it because it is the "gentlemanly" thing to do, if you feel like you have to do it, then it just defeats the whole purpose of doing it "because you want to". And trust me, a girl can pick up on things like that.
A "gentleman" is a better term for the byproduct of genuine actions, than for one perusing those actions so he can take the label. The second one is more like a salesman, witch we all know acts like a gentleman but all regard with suspicion.
Get creative! now that we have whipped out a new version of what a "gentleman" is (a byproduct, not a set behavior) that means that there are hundreds of ways to show genuine affection.
Leave her cards to find, make her a sandwich, every day for one week give her one sentence of a poem you wrote for her, make her a Cd of your favorite music to dance to when your home alone, give her an imaginary pet! give her a foot massage, if your on the phone, and its late, before you go to bed give her a quick bedtime story for giggles, leave her a voice mail of just you making funny noises, Maybe open a door or two, Go on a walk with her, give her a nickname, write her a letter and mail it to her, even if you could of just sent her a e-mail or phone her, give her a coupon for one free extra-long hug |
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David
Posts:499
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| 05/13/2009 12:57 AM |
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I like the idea of a gentleman being a byproduct of an inner quality. Not to drag philosophy into this, but it's almost like an Aristotelian virtue.
I suppose what I'm saying is coming out of a frustration with a fair few girls I've known who judge guys for very shallow reasons. Truth be told, though you might not believe it given the things I say, I'm actually quite the romantic. I've always loved doing romantic things for a girl. |
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Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither.
- C.S. Lewis |
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Locke
Posts:223
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| 05/13/2009 1:33 AM |
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Reading your sentences, David, I have something for you to consider: why shouldn't girls be able to expect a certain level of behavior from the guys they know, or in fact, any guy? I'll give you an example of what I mean: back when trolleys were a huge method of transportation, it was common for men sitting to stand up and offer their seat when a woman got on the trolley. Obviously we can't really do that nowadays in most cities (with exceptions, of course) but that doesn't mean we can't treat girls with at least that standard of behavior.
I still think certain things should be strictly between people who are dating/courting/married and such, but wouldn't society be better off as a whole if men were expected to behave as gentlemen towards women, any woman, instead of the way things are now?
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm unrealistic. But for myself, I want girls (and guys, too) to be able to look at me and know they'll be treated kindly and fairly without prejudice, without having to ask, without having to expect. I expect that behavior of myself.
Boy that sounds muddled. I shouldn't post at half past midnight. |
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It is trifles that make the sum of life. |
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David
Posts:499
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| 05/13/2009 1:59 AM |
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...but wouldn't society be better off as a whole if men were expected to behave as gentlemen towards women, any woman, instead of the way things are now?
I agree with this, though I think it is only half the picture. I am not trying to say men shouldn't respect women. They should. Just as women should respect men (the other half of the picture). What I'm really talking about isn't the actions themselves or whether guys should do them or not. I'm talking about the hearts of girls. I don't mean to sound sexist here or anything, but I see way too many self-absorbed, selfish girls who think and act as if everything is about them. When they expect a guy to act in "gentlemanly ways" it's not about hoping to be made to feel special, it's about him following their rules. It's about control. I can't rationalize the idea of the whole servant /slave thing I mentioned above. If a girl reacts to these actions in such a way as to be impressed and flattered, and she in turn treats the guy with the same level of specialness, then all is good in my book.
Also, I do not at all think most girls are as described above. In fact, I would be willing to bet that many of the girls who post here are the polar opposite - and for that I am very thankful and impressed. Perhaps I've just met a bad batch of girls for the last few years, haha. |
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Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither.
- C.S. Lewis |
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Locke
Posts:223
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| 05/13/2009 8:59 AM |
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| Ah, okay. You're just hitting a slightly different part of the spectrum here than I did. |
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It is trifles that make the sum of life. |
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emilyjanelle
Posts:510
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| 05/13/2009 11:31 AM |
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[quote...but I see way too many self-absorbed, selfish girls who think and act as if everything is about them. When they expect a guy to act in "gentlemanly ways" it's not about hoping to be made to feel special, it's about him following their rules. It's about control. I can't rationalize the idea of the whole servant/slave thing I mentioned above. If a girl reacts to these actions in such a way as to be impressed and flattered, and she in turn treats the guy with the same level of specialness, then all is good in my book.
yep, I totally agree, because that was me a year ago today. I wouldn't say I was a "snob" by any means, but I was pretty selfish and controlling. I didn't "react to those actions to be impressed and flattered and then treat a guy with the same level of specialness". =/
one thing, that has stuck in my mind and it happened almost a year ago now is: I was outside on my front porch with my (then) boyfriend, a girl friend, and another guy friend, one summer evening. suddenly I noticed this huge (in my eyes, haha) millipede nearby and I started freaking out (I'm a girl, give me a break!). I jumped up and ran inside to get my dad to smush it. he reluctantly got up to get a tissue, but my boyfriend came in and said something like, "emily, I'll do it..." and I turned to him and said, "b-but, you're not manly enough! haha!" and I didn't mean it to sound so degrading, but it did. my mom was right there and she glared at me and I just knew I'd dug my own grave. he walked out and my dad went and did the dirty work. I felt really bad the rest of the night. the next day, we were together again and I told him I was really sorry about it, but I still regret saying that. if you would ask him about that, I can almost guarantee he forgets, but a part of me thinks he might not.
that was just a side note (a long one, haha) ladies, always watch what you say! guys are more tender than we want to think! |
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You may as well come quiet.
- Police Maxim |
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David
Posts:499
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| 05/13/2009 11:57 AM |
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Here's a question... Why do girls think we guys are made of stone? Why does it appear as if your default position is to want to be able to say whatever you want to us, no matter how potentially insulting, but expect us to be sensitive to you? I'm honestly not trying to be accusatory here, but I am genuinely curious.
See, thing is, guys notice that girls seem to want to us to be emotionally like a rock (read: to practically have no emotions). Since we are the ones who pursue you, often we work very hard at stifling our emotions. The problem, then, is when you get married to us, you'll start to wonder why we can't connect with you emotionally (something you will need). It's because you've always taught us that emotions were bad.
I realize that is a very big generalization and certainly doesn't apply to every girl. However, I've seen that process more often than not. |
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Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither.
- C.S. Lewis |
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David
Posts:499
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| 05/13/2009 11:59 AM |
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| Oh, and Emilyjanelle, though you may at one point have been in a bad place, so to speak, the fact that you can recognize it now says wonderful things about you. |
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Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither.
- C.S. Lewis |
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