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Ophoe
Posts:25
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| 02/18/2009 1:28 AM |
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| This guy in my class liked (still likes, I suppose) me and asked me out. I was not interested and explained to the poor guy my dating philosophy (my nice way of refusing him). But I was wondering whether silly banter on fb chat would seem flirtatious? Bc i enjoy that king of joking, esp. when I'm really tired, but I don't want to make him think I wasn't serious in my answer/get his hopes up. recently we chatted for almost an hour (I get carried away bc i'm talkative, but I know that's something in itself to avoid). So, I am wondering...if most of the converstaion involved pointless back-and-forth/sarcasm/joking, what kind of message does that get across to a guy? Have I done any significant damage? What should I keep in mind for the future? |
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Adelynn
Posts:189
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| 02/18/2009 9:59 AM |
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| at church a couple weeks ago the pastor was talking about how sometimes silence is the best policy, but even in James it's not really saying that we need to not talk, we just need to be careful of what we do say. What comes out of our mouths comes from whats in our hearts... and sometimes it can be taken the wrong way. Which is hard- I've told two guys recently that "I just want to be friends" and they both took it as an invitation to keep trying to win me over, when I really "just want to be friends!!!" haha! I really enjoyed talking to both of them and I liked that they listened to me, though I know they were listening especially because they thought it would get them somewhere. I eventually had to back off quite a bit because they were taking it the wrong way, when I really hoped we could be friends. Anyway I know I'm not a guy I just thought I'd throw that in there. ;-] |
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"... I will pour out my Spirit upon all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy..." Acts 2.17
What If His People Prayed? |
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emilyjanelle
Posts:510
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| 02/18/2009 11:24 AM |
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hmm. good question.
well i recently (like as of the day before yesterday) started IMing again with my ex. and i also REALLY want to make sure that i'm not giving the "wrong idea" and being "flirty" or anything like that. i'm praying about it and keep checking myself and making sure that my words (especially when it's over the internet) can't be taken another way.
guys, i've heard, almost always take stuff at face value, though. it's us women who love to over-analyze and critique the smallest, dumbest stuff, y'know? but still, you should be asking yourself questions like, "do i really NEED to talk to him right now? should i just stay off the internet tonight and give it a rest?"
i think a guy could give you better advice on this, though. :] |
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You may as well come quiet.
- Police Maxim |
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wjr1991
Posts:232
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| 02/19/2009 3:33 PM |
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@emily... I think people who talk to me would agree that I over-analyze things too... so it's not just girls.
As far as I've been able to find, the point of flirting is to captivate the other person's attention... so, that's what I'd weigh it against.
And... Emily's right- there are a lot of times when discretion is commendable... like... when you really should ask "do I really need to talk to them right now?" |
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Ophoe
Posts:25
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| 02/20/2009 9:56 AM |
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Now this guy is acting WAY too interested in me. I mean, he says he understands I'm not open to anything more than just friends, but he seems to be really bent on spending time with me (chatting, trying to get me to do stuff on wknds...saying stuff like "I NEED YOU! WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING THIS WEEKEND! I YEARN!" all in a joking manner, but it's a bit too much...and creepy.) So anyway, I'm getting a little weirded out and also annoyed with him for not taking a hint. Doesn't he get that "no" is "no", and I don't play around? I felt like saying that to him last night but only got as far as saying I won't do anything alone with him. Grrrr! I am really frustrated...and frankly he's making me a little wary. I wouldn't put him out of the category of freaky stalkers at this point. I have reason to suspect that he may have waited for me after class, *in his car*, the other day, and seriously I was by far the last person out! Everyone else had left!
So I am not certain he's being weird on purpose, but it's still weird... |
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Ophoe
Posts:25
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| 02/20/2009 9:58 AM |
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| But I wonder if I might be reading too much into all this. Maybe he means nothing by it. |
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emilyjanelle
Posts:510
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| 02/20/2009 10:15 AM |
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well.
at this point i would definitely take him aside, if i were you, (and in person, NOT over the internet) and talk to him about this. no, he's not really stalking you, but you're right, he may not really realize that you're getting annoyed and that you seriously mean NO. if you tell him in person and with all seriousness, hopefully he'll finally get the picture. if he makes a stink about it even after that, i would recommend you just stop talking to him altogether. anybody, girls and guys, should get the picture after that point.
:] |
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You may as well come quiet.
- Police Maxim |
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Adelynn
Posts:189
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| 02/20/2009 10:22 AM |
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| the joking can be just annoying, but if he was waiting for you in his car and you weren't one of the first people out, that's creepy. He might not mean to be creepy, but it is . If it makes you uncomfortable, you need to tell someone to stick around with you or talk to him or something. Someone in authority, not one of your friends. That's awkward sometimes, I know, but less awkward than if he really gets weird... |
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"... I will pour out my Spirit upon all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy..." Acts 2.17
What If His People Prayed? |
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Logan
Posts:11
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| 02/20/2009 8:54 PM |
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HI I just joined let me introduce myself. My name is Logan, I'm 18 and I live in Michigan.
Now Ophoe, I've read over everything that you've said, twice, and this is what I've figured out. You told the guy that you aren't interested, but you still flirt with him on IM? This last time for an hour? You've sent the poor guy some very confusing signals. You see as a guy I'll let you in on a secret, most guys are completely clueless when it comes to hints, we need big flashing neon signs before we get the idea.
I have some friends who had the same thing happen to them one of them got really hurt. She said that she just wanted to be friends but she still hung out with him a lot and they talked on IM all night, so he thought that she was into him even though she had said the words "just friends" he didn't get it, and neither does your problem guy.
You need to make it very clear that there is absolutely NO chance of you guys getting together, then don't talk to him for a while. He needs to get that, otherwise it could lead him really embarasing the both of you.
Anyway that's my 2 cents worth.
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It's the tough things in life that make us who we are, and I'm a sensitive blockhead |
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Ophoe
Posts:25
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| 02/21/2009 12:01 AM |
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Logan, thanks. I do want to be clear that I have not been deliberately flirting with him...and I didn't really even mean to chat with him as long as I did...I only realized after. Problem is, *he's* the one that always initiates (when he sees me on Facebook) and I just got finished telling him I don't usually ignore ppl who send me an IM. So now I feel bad ignoring him if he sends me an IM...at first I tried just not sounding very talkative, but the problem is, I *am* talkative, so that didn't work. I've tried to throw in hints that I do this with other friends, to get across the impression that I'm not treating him any more "special" than my other friends. But I realize that I'm in a situation where almost anything I say may start to seem like flirting...small talk, joking, serious conversation...all bad. So yeah...are you saying I should flat-out ignore his FB chat messages? I hate to, but if I must I must. I'm very tenderhearted, so I don't like to be mean/dishonest like that, but I guess what you are saying is that it's even meaner and more dishonest to keep chatting.
The other thing...is there anything I should say, flat out to him? I've explained via message that I will not date a guy I don't know and that furthermore I won't date an atheist, and hoped that would take care of it. I even reminded him the other night that I had already told him I can't do anything alone with him...he just said "then get some friends" so it would be in a group. Now I'm even uncomfortable with that. So should I wait until the next "issue" and address it straight out, or just cut off most out-of-class communication and not say anything? |
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Locke
Posts:223
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| 02/21/2009 1:31 AM |
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If I were you I would ignore him. Avoid him if you can. If he never sees you, doesn't talk to you, he should get bored eventually. It sucks, but it often does.
When a guy is creeping you out, you're not interested in him and you've TOLD him so, it's neither mean or dishonest to ignore him. He should have the decency to leave you alone - if he doesn't, you're not responsible for that. |
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It is trifles that make the sum of life. |
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kosanchez777
Posts:11
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| 02/21/2009 9:18 AM |
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| If a guy heart gets crushed ironic but he still loves the crusher with all the little pieces |
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its hell trying 2 get into heaven |
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Logan
Posts:11
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| 02/21/2009 1:58 PM |
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Locke is absolutely correct, you're saving both you and the guy a lot of trouble if you do this. All you have to tell him is that he's making you feel uncomfortable and that he needs to stop bugging you so much. BE ASSERTIVE! Tell him to stop, it may be awkward but it needs to be done and you'll both be happier in the long run. (oh old cliche) You don't have to do it in a mean way but you should do it. I'll be praying for you.
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It's the tough things in life that make us who we are, and I'm a sensitive blockhead |
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MyLifeHisWill
Posts:184
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| 02/22/2009 7:53 AM |
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| My advice? Be careful! There was this really nice guy last year I turned down in a similar fashion. However, I was really concerned because it was the first time I had been the heartbreaker and I was so so so worried. So I talked to him alot and ended up leading him on MAJOR. When I started sorting out my feelings, I was becoming torn between him and my now-boyfriend. I ended up choosing to love my now-boyfriend and this other boy who liked me when CRAZY. He began trying to control me and honestly I was AFRAID of him. My mom, dad, pastor, and best friend all had to get involved and lets just say me trying to be "nice" and have a "friend" turned into a 9-month catastrophe and ended with this guy now HATING me for "stabbing him in the back" - so watch out, what we mean as friendly guys can see as flirting... |
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I don't want to just "live" I want to experience life. |
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