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clare
Posts:952
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| 10/16/2010 4:38 PM |
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My love language is quality time, and receiving gifts, my boyfriend's is affirmation. He and I have an amazing relationship, we have gone through a lot and worked through a lot. but the HARDEST thing we keep running into is speaking each other's love language. I am NOT an affirming person, I'm very negative, he likes quality time...but has a hard time getting around to it (and cuz we live states apart, it has to be phone calls) I usually end up with a bad attitude he is too tired to call or write, and then he gets a bad attitude cuz I'm not being nice (affirming). We know this is our problem...but HELP! Only one else that is an affirmer and can give me tips on how to do that? Any tips for him? (he comes on here and reads everything so I know he'll read this post) Thanks!!!!
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Amelia
Posts:25
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| 10/17/2010 12:22 AM |
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*raises hand* That would be me.  I thrive on words of affirmation. Honestly... criticism and negativity (which I'm around constantly) is a sand trap for me. I feel like I'm suffocating! The best thing for me personally is for people to encourage me and lift me up with their words. Saying something like, "You look so pretty (or handsome for your boyfriend, lol) today!" means the world. But, if you live in different states that would be hard because you don't know what they look like that day! (stick with me, I'm getting somewhere!) So, another thing to say would be, "You always have such a positive outlook on life and I really appreciate that. It helps me to remember to be happy." (Yes, that sounds corny, but you get the idea.)
I hope this is helpful. I can give you more ideas, if you like, but I just don't want to overwhelm you! =)
All my best,
Mia |
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Beauty is not caused. It is.
~Emily Dickinson |
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Adelynn
Posts:516
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| 10/17/2010 9:12 AM |
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It's really hard to be encouraging/affirming, isn't it?? Long distance is tough, anyway. If you're up for reading, there is a book called For Young Women Only which talks about (maybe you've read it?) things like asking "How is the project going?" which sounds more like you believe he's at least started the project, instead of "Have you started the project yet?" which sounds like you (not you specifically =) don't think he's even started! Stuff like that. Which isn't exactly affirming, but definitely a little encouragement doesn't hurt.
About affirming, my dad is like that. He wants to be noticed when he does the laundry, changes the oil, cooks, vacuums.... and though he doesn't do it often or thoroughly, he wants to be noticed and know that he is appreciated for everything he does. Not just know deep down, he wants to be thanked for being a good dad and for bringing home the money and all that stuff. The hardest part for me is just noticing and saying something, so I understand. Especially when he acts like he's done something really helpful by shifting the dishes or folding the laundry or vacuuming the middle of the floor, but I feel the job isn't done so I don't think about it and I just want to scream "What about that is anything I haven't had to start or finish for you???" But that hasn't worked yet, it only makes us both feel bad.
Anyway. =] So tell me if you find out anything helpful =D |
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"Angel of Mercy, how did you find me? How did you pick me up again? Angel of Mercy, how did you move me, why am I on my feet again?" -One Republic |
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clare
Posts:952
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| 10/17/2010 1:01 PM |
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Thanks yeah go for it and give me more ideas Amelia!
I think I might of read that book Adelynn  but obviously many parts were forgot. Affirming someone I don't know real well is really easy for me. Bout once I know them pretty well then it's like I don't want people to know how I really feel and then start being negative and pessimistic almost like I'm trying to protect myself...if that makes sense. I'm not sure why I do that. I used to affirm my bf a lot before we were dating, then once we started dating...I kinda quit!
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Adelynn
Posts:516
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| 10/17/2010 3:01 PM |
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| Now that was pretty stupid of me to ask if you'd read that book! Wow. I'm awake, yeah... |
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"Angel of Mercy, how did you find me? How did you pick me up again? Angel of Mercy, how did you move me, why am I on my feet again?" -One Republic |
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Amelia
Posts:25
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| 10/17/2010 3:53 PM |
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Ok Clare, but I warned you! lol =)
I agree with everything Adelynn said. And I get what you say about wanting to keep people at bay and trying to protect yourself... believe me that makes sense!
Maybe you could "practice" on your family or close friends first before progressing to your boyfriend just so you can feel more assured about affirming. Or maybe you don't need to... whatever works. =)
But, as far as more ideas, if he goes out of his way to do something (even if it's not done perfectly like Adelynn's father, lol) make sure you compliment him on it even if he tells you he decided to do the dishes or work extra hard on his homework. Again, hard because you aren't there, but there are ways around that.
Hmm... I can't think of any more ideas right now, but have you looked at the actual Love Languages book for ideas? I'll let you know if I think of any more!
Best,
Mia |
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Beauty is not caused. It is.
~Emily Dickinson |
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Grant I.
Posts:184
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| 10/18/2010 8:08 PM |
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Wow, that's kinda tough! As another member of the words of affirmation tribe, I'd say that Amelia is spot on! It's awesome when my boss comes around and looks at a job I just completed, something I built, put together, designed, etc., and says "Looks great! Well done," and it sucks uncontrollably when he comes around and the first words out of his mouth are, "Uh, Grant, that's not right. I told you to put it on this way." "Why don't you"s, "Why didn't you"s, "I wanted you to"s, "I told you to"s, and "You should have"s are all things that will make an affirmation person either slink away, or make their blood boil, one or the other.
I'm not really sure how to best teach an affirmer quality time and gifts, but one way, and It'd probably be pretty hard to do for a while at least, and is kinda backwards, is "baiting him" with compliments about how much you love it when he gives you stuff, or how much you enjoy it when he calls you, and how good he is at it. If you make him feel good about doing something even if he doesn't do it very much, he's gonna want to do it more because he knows you like it and appreciate it, and if he does it well, he's gonna get more affirmation (hopefully) Shoot, you can make an itty bitty man feel like a giant if he's affirmation and you tell him he is!
I think I would be alot like Adelynn's dad. I like to do stuff for people voluntarily, and without provocation, because it's usually met with lots of praise and affirmation. Selfish, I know. Haha! Sometimes If I do stuff like that, and it goes completely unnoticed, I start thinking, "Oh well, it probably wasn't good enough for them. See if I ever do that again!
Anyway, I don't know if that helps at all, but I wish you guys the best! Hope he gets his act together and starts speaking your love languages!
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dc_88keys4christ
Posts:0
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| 10/24/2010 9:43 PM |
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| Hey everybody! Had some thoughts... Jesus(Perfect Love), displayed all five of the love languages at the same time, and I think that is something we all need to work on. Think about it; Christ covered everything from quality time (He taught His disciples. He ate with tax collectors and "sinners".) to physical touch-and I'm not talkin the fuuzy-feeling kind of touch here! Jesus touched and healed lepers. (btw, healing them was a gift to them) I'm thinking of death on the cross. Out of love, Christ bore our sins, and part of the punishment was endured physically (another gift!). Anyway, like I mentioned earlier, we can all work on making love-in various forms- become more evident in our own lives. For example, I spend a lot of quality time with the people who are closest to my heart; I want to talk to them as much as I can. On the other hand, I can't say that serving is my strongest point, but as I have learned to do it more and more, it has become stronger, because of Christ's work in me. But then, when you are serving others, you are spending quality time on them, and you can serve someone by by writing a note to encourage him/her. The note is a gift, you've taken the time to make/buy the card, and you spent time deciding on what to say! I guess all five love languages are connected. Hope this helps! |
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JoJo
Posts:1670
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| 10/27/2010 3:11 AM |
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| heya sorry I havent been on much and dont really have time atm to read everyones posts, but i can't exactly remember what mine was... I think mine might have been acts of service? but not sure... quality time was also a big one, but I got roughly equal in all of them... one or two a teeny bit higher... |
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Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
'Cause you won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live
.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
God Bless!
Mwah XOXO
JoJo |
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Beckah
Posts:903
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| 11/05/2010 6:03 PM |
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| Sorry to jump right in on the convo, but how do you know what your love language is. because i want to know mine. thanks |
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"Check yourself before you wreck yourself" |
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Liz
Posts:341
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| 11/05/2010 6:13 PM |
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I did mine at http://www.afo.net/hftw-lovetest.asp, and I don't know how to get it so you can just clilck on it.
My biggest one was "words of affirmation", and I had kinda already figured that out!
At the Bible camp I worked at this summer, they had an "e-board". In a nutshell, you could write an encouragement note to someone and stick it up there. I was so encouraging ust to SEE a note with my name on it! Plus, there were other instances where I'd be really down, and people would say something encouraging and I would totally perk up, so I wasn't surprised when that was my big one.
One question though....that says what makes you feel loved, right? Well can you have a "giving" language, and a different "receiving" language? My mom really thought gift giving was my love language, but it was my lowest on the test. I seriously Love to give gifts to people. Christmas is amazing.
Just something to discuss i guess: can you have a different "giving" and receiving" love languages?? |
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A girl should be so lost in God that a guy has to go in Him in order to find her |
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Adelynn
Posts:516
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| 11/28/2010 2:42 PM |
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Liz- I'm reading The Five Love Languages, Singles Edition (which I totally recommend), and it does say you can have a way of showing love that is different than the way you want to be shown you are loved. And obviously even if you aren't a gift person, getting something fun "just because" is still great! It just makes the gift person feel extra-special.
I am wondering something, too... guys especially (because that is where I'm struggling a bit), what are some acts of service that you would appreciate? My love language is acts of service, so I love it when someone gets me a glass of water or cleans up the table while I'm getting my jacket on =] But I'm so used to my friends and family knowing that about me and loving me that way, how do I get outside myself and show someone else who's love language is acts of service that I care?
Another question, how do you love someone who's language is physical touch without getting too... physical? I've always, always struggled with this language anyway =] but now I'm trying to work with so many more people, and I'm concerned about small things becoming an "okay" for a guy to look for something more. Do I just let him know where the line is, and up until that line (which depends on the relationship) is okay? |
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"Angel of Mercy, how did you find me? How did you pick me up again? Angel of Mercy, how did you move me, why am I on my feet again?" -One Republic |
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clare
Posts:952
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| 11/29/2010 2:54 PM |
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I am NOT physical at all!! (unless it's my BF, I'll hug him or hold his hand IF my family isn't around..awkward!!) For someone who is physical, give them a quick hug...eeek!LOL but unless it's like a family member, or a really close trusted guy friend, I don't think hugging is necessary, even if it is his love language!
For acts of service for a guy...that's hard! Sometimes it's by helping him with something. Cutting up the deer he shot, helping clean his room :p helping mow the yard, clean his truck, etc. |
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artist_for_christ
Posts:102
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| 11/30/2010 12:22 AM |
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| I'm physical touch and quality time which go together so well but can be a deadly combo if things start to head down the wrong path (which has never happened to me, but everyone warns me that it will come someday). |
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~Lauren~
But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ
Philippians 3:7-8 |
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artist_for_christ
Posts:102
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| 11/30/2010 12:28 AM |
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| But Clare, I would say try once every two weeks to send him a hand written note telling him all the things you like about him- nice, kind, sensitive, caring, compassionate, funny, good listener, creative, talented (I'm describing the two men in my life- my dad and little brother). I remember that my youth pastor telling us that he would do that for his wife and it strengthened their relationship |
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~Lauren~
But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ
Philippians 3:7-8 |
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Liz
Posts:341
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| 12/03/2010 6:04 PM |
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| Thanks for the book suggestion Adelynn! I love reading! |
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A girl should be so lost in God that a guy has to go in Him in order to find her |
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Becka
Posts:144
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| 12/04/2010 2:47 AM |
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Apparently my love language is firstly acts of service, then receiving gifts, quality time, physical touch, and words of affirmation, in that order.
Ooh that's different than what I thought of myself! Interesting... |
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my blog - http://beckasramblings.blogspot.com/
previously Jessamae.
the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair - Relient K |
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Becka
Posts:144
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| 12/04/2010 3:01 AM |
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Oh wait, I got that wrong. I was trying to say that by memory. I just took the test again to be sure and here are the real results:
Receiving gifts - 37%
Acts of service - 30%
Quality time - 17%
Word of affirmation - 13%
Physical touch - 3%
Ooh still interesting though! |
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my blog - http://beckasramblings.blogspot.com/
previously Jessamae.
the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair - Relient K |
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Beckah
Posts:903
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| 12/04/2010 4:04 PM |
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| My biggest one(main one) is physical touch.. which makes total sense, since im a BIG hugger. im always hugging everyone, well mostly girls and related guys. lol |
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"Check yourself before you wreck yourself" |
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dc_88keys4christ
Posts:0
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| 12/10/2010 2:48 PM |
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I got:
Quality Time: (a perfect 12!!!)
Words of Affirmation (this one was kind of high too)
Physical Touch
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service |
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