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krakenfromthesea
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| 04/21/2011 2:42 PM |
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| I just finished the chapter, "Sex Changes Everything," in FWO, and I am terribly dismayed and confused. We have been married about 10 months, and I have never once turned my husband down for sex or responded unenthusiastically. We have sex several times a week at least, but I would prefer more often. After reading this chapter, I was so upset that this seems to be such an important thing for men, and yet my husband doesn't seem to need me to minister to him in that way as much as most other men responded to the surveys that they do.
My husband has turned me down for sex in the past, and I felt incredibly rejected. I feel that I initiate most of the time, which makes me feel undesirable because I don't feel as though I am being pursued, loved, or that I am attractive to him. It's very rare that he wants to make out with me or engage in much foreplay. He does initiate sometimes, I think I just feel especially insecure about it now because his job has recently become very stressful and any kind of physical affection has become less common, but this has been something I have struggled with for a while.
If it helps provide any clarification, I do feel like I am more visual than most women, although I am sure as I do not struggle with that nearly as much as most men do.
Also, I don't know if this is applicable, but I work hard to take care of my body and make myself attractive to him, it's important to me that he knows it's all for him.
I'm sorry if this post has more information than most, and that I'm posting before I've finished the book, I just would really like some insight into what I should do. Thank you so much in advance.
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Rachel M
Posts:5
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| 04/22/2011 11:59 AM |
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| Most couples have sex about 2 times a week, so if you and your husband are engaging in sex about 2 or more times a week than I don't think there is a problem. It seems likely that you have an above average sex drive. That is not a bad thing, but I can see how it could lead to dissatisfaction on your part.
You mentioned feeling insecure. Do you have a relationship with God? My only advice would be to put your expectations on Christ and not your husband. Let your sense of value and worth come from God's love.
I hope this is helpful in some way. I'll be praying for you in this.
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my blog: cherishingthemoment.net |
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John
Posts:2
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| 05/08/2011 2:44 PM |
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| Hi there. I am a man who was in the same boat as your husband. I don't want to paint men in a corner, but most men are very visual, physical, and sexual people. I'm sure there are exceptions to the rule out there.
When I married my wife her sexual drive seemingly outpaced mine. I regret letting her think that. In fact, I had a huge sexual appetite but had anxiety about sex that prevented me from engaging with her as often as I would have liked. There were other complicating factors such as an unhealthy and unbiblical addiction to pornography. I was taking my sexual apetite and applying it in a direction I could fully control with no anxiety instead of working out my problems with my spouse.
Hope that helps. |
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Travis
Posts:41
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| 06/02/2011 10:40 PM |
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krakenfromthesea
I agree with John and Rachel completely.
I would also like to add, try communicating with your husband on this matter. It may be difficult to do that, because typically men don't communicate well. When trying to communicate, tell your husband something along the lines of this:
"I feel...(my specific emotion)"
"when...(the situation or behavior)"
"because...(my interpretation)"
"I would like...(a specific response)"
Try as best as you can to own what you say. Try not to say "you". In general, people don't want to hear "you did this, or you do that" when you bring up a sticky subject.
If you think he is very sensitive to this subject, then maybe try starting off by telling him what you do (I try to look attractive to you by staying fit, etc). Then ask where are you going wrong. This is a very good question, because even though you might not being "doing" anything wrong, you might not be understanding these situations in which he turns you down. He will be more loving to you if you put the blame on yourself first. And here you will find him opening up and telling you what you need to know. He might say, "I don't know why I do that, I'll pay more attention to it in the future and I will try not to turn you down." Or " I don't do that." Or "Here's the reason why (fill in the blank."
If you get "I don't do that." And he acts all defensive, then you went wrong somewhere in your delivery. Be careful how you phrase things, and how you say them. Try to be as loving and graceful when you talk to him about this. State your intentions.
I hope this helps. I don't really have much experience in this other than a 1.5 year relationship, but I'm confident it will work.
Travis
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~And in the end, The love you take
Is equal to the love you make~ |
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